Dear The-Book-Is-Better-Than-The-Movie Crowd,

I’m generally one of you. I mean, to the extent that I allow myself to be one of anything, which is not terribly often (people are really just the worst, aren’t they?). But here’s the thing – when someone criticizes a movie-of-the-book, the proper response is not to say, “YOU DIDN’T READ THE BOOK, DID YOU? YOU’D KNOW BETTER IF YOU HAD. YOU IDIOT.” A movie needs to be able to stand alone without the book. If it doesn’t, it is poorly adapted and that is a legitimate criticism of the movie (or the book you love is trash and why is it a movie? Because of you, you ass hat). You do not get to win the “I hate this movie, it’s terrible” argument by claiming, “if you read the book, you’d GET IT.” The only proper response is, “the book was better.”

Fortunately, that is our wheelhouse.

All A begrudging teaspoon of my love-

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